meditations of a blueberry

Assuming all goes to plan, this will be my third home birth. Lately, I've been retreating into myself more and more as I begin the journey to prepare myself for birthing this baby. With A , I had no idea what to expect after a tough hospital birth and just went with the flow. With L, I wore some serious rose coloured glasses, believing that because I had experienced home birth before that I would be able to achieve a quiet and empowering birth. Ha! That wasn't even remotely close to actual events. This time? This time I'm being more realistic. This time my glasses are clear. I have given birth 3 times before. Each time, I yell. I scream. I swear like a trucker. I constantly say that I can't do it. No matter what my intentions are going in. No matter how much my midwife, doulas, and husband tell me otherwise. I am most certainly not the picture of calm and serenity that some women are in birth (seriously, how do they do it?!). I do not breathe my babies into the wo...

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have family and friends who love me, children who are healthy and growing, a warm house to come home to, food on my table and in my belly. I've experienced hardship and loss, but I am still standing. No matter the dark forest that my life road has taken me through, I have emerged, sometimes beaten and bruised, but still alive.  I've written several times about my postpartum depression these past few months, and how I've finally found myself again after many months of not knowing where to look. There were many dark days. More than I care to admit. But no matter how dark the days seemed, my friends and family were always there shining a light and reaching out to help support me. In the darkest of times, a word, a hug, a smile that said "I'm here" helped to light the way. They picked me up and carried me when I had barely the strength to open my eyes. I'm not sure they realized the strength they gave to me by just remin...

I have two amazing and beautiful little boys. I have a husband who is supportive and loves me for who I am. I have family who loves me even though they know my worst traits. I have friends who stick by me and hold me up when I need it, even when I don't deserve it. By all measures, I should be the happiest girl in the world. But I'm not. And I don't know why. Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I am so utterly happy. Moments that the fog lifts and my world feels perfect. But they don't last. Soon enough, the fog returns, clouds darken my skies, and the moment ends. I find myself saying and doing things without thinking more often. My patience has grown so thin that the slightest transgression from my toddler has me losing it. I snap at my husband and friends for no reason. I feel so alone. And I hate it. If I'm being honest, I have been feeling this way for months. I've tried to bring it up with friends, but didn't want to face what they might...

In November, I embarked on a journey that would change my life. A journey that would train my body and my mind to push me to places I never in my wildest dreams thought were possible. A journey that would result in a smaller body, but a stronger body. A journey that I thought would culminate with the half marathon on May 5. A journey that I am now realizing doesn't end just because I cross that finish line. The half marathon in Vancouver doesn't signal "the end." Instead, it is just another step in the journey. A journey that has had many twists and turns, mountains and valleys, and a lot of much needed emotional and spiritual support. Last night, I attended a sharing circle with Mother Haven and momstown as part of momstown's Fit Mamas program. I wasn't sure what I would get out of it, but I knew it would be amazing. During that hour of sharing, I listened as the other women talked about how they now see their bodies as strong, how they were proud of them...

If you are in the mommy world at all, then you have likely seen the new cover of Time magazine. Heck, even if you aren't, I am sure you have seen it. News stations and talk shows seem to be all a flutter about it. In the odd chance that you haven't, check it out here . My sister posted that link to my Facebook wall yesterday morning. At first, I was floored and excited that such a mainstream and popular magazine was portraying extended breastfeeding...and on the cover no less! But then I looked closer. And I was disappointed. Not only does the photo itself seem to have been chosen solely for shock value (really, even the "drive by" nursing moments are not like this), but the caption made my heart sink. In the link I gave you, there are so many other, better photos that they could have chosen that truly show what extended breastfeeding looks like. I can only imagine how the photo they did choose for the cover is going to "add fuel to the fire" to those who ar...

Blessed. I think of myself as very blessed. Besides my fabulous husband and child (soon to be children), I have fabulous and very supportive family and friends. I have never felt judged nor looked down upon for choices that I have made as a parent. I have read so many comments about people who have less-than-supportive friends and family. People who have had their loved ones tell them they are wrong/reckless/disgusting for choices they have made regarding their children. Even my close group of friends have had negative comments made to them about choices they have made. I keep waiting for such negativity to flood into my life, but it has yet to do so. I feel extremely lucky that I haven't had to deal with any such comments.  Thanks for always supporting me Mom and Dad! I have managed to surround myself with fantastic and mostly like-minded friends thanks to momstown, and if my family (both mine and mrblueberry's) doesn't agree with my choices, well, they don't s...

From https://www.facebook.com/TheLeakyBoob Yesterday, I got to witness a beautiful miracle. Jessica from The Leaky B@@b gave birth to her sixth daughter and live streamed her labour and delivery. I kept checking all day to see how she was doing, and finally, just as I was thinking about heading to bed, she birthed that little girl. I was amazed at how strong and calm she was throughout her labour. With E, I was not calm. I screamed and fought the pain that his posterior position brought until I finally gave in and got the epidural. And her support team was fantastic. I refused to allow mrblueberry to touch me. Yet Jessica and her husband were the picture of love. His support of her was mesmerizing. Watching them together as she laboured was like watching a couple dance effortlessly across a dance floor. The love radiated from the screen. Many times I teared up watching when he knew just what she needed to continue on. It was beautiful. And if that wasn't enough to make this ...

Recent events have gotten me thinking more about our miscarriage. Don't get me wrong, I think about it nearly every day--especially being pregnant again--but these events have put it into the forefront of my mind. I've been reliving those days, and, truthfully, I don't like it. But that is okay. It is all part of grieving. And yes, even though it's been over 2 years, I am still grieving. I will grieve for that lost life for the rest of my life. It gets easier with time, but it never goes away. And each time I hear the same awful news of a friend or loved one, I cry again. Both for them and the pain I know they are going through, and for myself.  In the past month alone, I have had two friends come to me for support in their time of pain. And both of them have been a bit hesitant, understandably. I don't hide that I am still dealing with emotions from my miscarriage. But I am so glad they were able to reach out for support, and honoured that they thought of me. Misca...