meditations of a blueberry

As the sun prepares to set on another August 1, I sit alone in my thoughts surrounded by people I love. And though I know the love is true and that I'm not alone, I feel guilty. Guilt for forgetting. I almost forgot the date. Eight years ago, August 1 marked the beginning of the end . I almost forgot today. I almost forgot that we found out that the life that we were so eagerly expecting was not to be eight years ago today. When I realized that today was the anniversary of that awful weekend , my heart seized. The guilt began to seep into my brain. The tears flowed from my soul. How could I forget? For eight years, I have sadly anticipated August 1, reliving the pain through my memories. Wondering if there was something I could have done, though I know there was nothing. Remembering the moments of fear until it was finally confirmed. This year, I thought about it a few times throughout July, and then completely forgot. I think about it often, but usually this time o...

Today is my birthday. 34 years ago I was a squishy newborn curled up in my mom's arms as my mom was amazed, terrified, and in awe that she was now a mother and wholly responsible for the new life before her (or at least, I imagine that's how she felt because that's how I felt when my first was born). I came into the world surrounded by love, chocolate cake, and crocheted blankets. 34 years later and I am once again surrounded by love, chocolate, and a crocheted blanket from my Nana. 34. 34 is the age that I picture my mom at when I think of her. Sometimes with a perm, sometimes with short hair. But always full of love, even when I hurt her in ways that only a teenager can hurt a parent. 34. I don't feel 34. I swear yesterday I was graduating high school and getting ready for university, but that was almost 16 years ago. Now I'm closer to my 20 year reunion than my 10 year reunion. I think back to my 18 year old self and wish I could tell her that her life ...

When you are pregnant, you are not only adding a tiny human to your family. You are adding love and laughter and joy. You are adding anxiety and frustration and tears. You are adding moments of sunshine and moments of rain. But most of all, you are adding laundry. Yes, laundry. It is amazing how much laundry one tiny human produces. And if you don't keep up with it, if you let it go a few days without thinking about it, suddenly Mount Laundry becomes a new planet and you can't even find the washing machine because it is covered in tiny baby onesies and mismatched socks and muddy pants and underwear that makes you question if your child even wiped when they went to the bathroom that day. And then it becomes baskets upon baskets of clean laundry that require folding only to be unfolded when the bigs attempt to put their own laundry away and then worn again and the cycle repeats itself again. It's like Groundhog Day but with laundry. And while laundry does work just like t...

Miss A is almost 7 weeks old. Last week, we had our final midwife appointment. It was  bittersweet. I've come to think of my midwife as a trusted friend. For over 4 years, she's been a part of my life and has seen me through some of my most vulnerable times. At my appointment, I got the glorious news that there are no signs of uterine prolapse. Hallulujah! But all is not good. My ab diastasis has worsened to the point of possibly requiring surgery. And I developed an umbilical hernia. Of course pregnancy couldn't just leave me with stretch marks and extra weight. But  suppose that's what happens when you grow an 11 lb 6 oz baby. Don't get me wrong. My body has done amazing things. It has grown, birthed, and nourished 4 beautiful children. It provides warm, soft hugs to those children when they are hurt and lifts them up when they fall down. It has carried those children when their legs get tired. It has stayed awake when it so desperately wanted to sleep to comfort...

Waiting. I'm not so good at waiting. My guess date has come and gone and I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. We are in a holding pattern now. Every morning I wake up in disbelief that I am still pregnant. As if I would have magically forgotten about giving birth in my sleep or something.  And so we wait. And wait. And wait some more. Every twinge, every random contraction makes me wonder if that's the start. One second I feel like I should be "doing all the things" to get labour moving, and the next I remember that I need to rest so that when labour does happen I will have the energy to bring this baby girl earthside. This isn't new to me. I had to wait with both A and L. It's just as hard to wait the third time around. I have spent almost this entire third trimester feeling mostly calm and ready to wait for the day that baby girl chooses as her birthday. Since my guess date has passed, however, my impatience has risen up to new levels. And yet,...

Dear Pregnancy, We need to talk.  I'm breaking up with you. That's right. It's over. Please pack up your stuff and exit my life at your earliest convenience. Preferably today. It's not you, it's me. I swear. Okay, it's not me either. It's what you do to me. The heartburn. The heaviness. The emotions. The difficulty in not losing my temper over minuscule things. The back pain. The having to pee a million times in a day. The not being able to lay on my belly. The struggling to put on shoes or socks. The pain of a baby on top of my pubic bone. The feeling of my hips as they widen to allow for birth. The slow, slow, slow walking. The pain of carrying this heavy belly everywhere. The inability to walk up a set of stairs without having to rest. The anticipation of wondering when labour will walk through the door. The longing to meet this baby girl. You really, really aren't good for my mental health.  It's too much. ...

This is my last pregnancy. When this baby girl finally makes her appearance, there will be a closed forever sign on this baby making factory. I just can't fathom getting through one more third trimester, let alone a whole other pregnancy. Don't get me wrong. I am in awe of how a woman's body can grow a human being from two tiny cells. The miracle of life is happening right now inside my body. How is that not amazing?? But not everything is amazing about pregnancy. Sure, some women get that glow and breeze through pregnancy like they are a graceful queen gliding through a crowd of people. Their hair is always luscious and their skin is flawless. Their energy levels never drop below nesting level and they never stare into a porcelain throne. I'm sure these women are few and far between though. I know that I am certainly not one of them. And I would wager a bet to say that most women have moments where pregnancy is just plain awful. There are moments (long moments som...

Sunday is a big emotional day for me and it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day. It will mark 38 weeks for this pregnancy and I'm not really sure if I want it to hurry up or slow down. This will be the last third trimester for this mama. After this baby is born, this baby making factory is closed for business.* This uterus will grow no more babies after this one is all done. Four third trimesters is most definitely my limit. But that's not the only reason it will be emotional. It is also the day, 6 years ago, that I was due with our first angel baby . 6 years . I can't even believe it's been that long. I remember approaching this day for the first time with dread as I was just starting to feel E move in my belly. And now, I approach it not with sadness and dread, but with quiet contemplation and slight apprehension. I wouldn't change how the last 6 years have gone for the world, but I often wonder who that little one was meant to be. What would my life l...

We've always planned to have four children. From the very first conversations we had about kids before we were even married. But the decision of when to have a fourth child wasn't so much a decision as it was a "let's just do this now" random comment after having lost my job. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that it would happen so quickly. I wasn't even at the start of my cycle when we started trying, and yet, I still got pregnant that cycle. Apparently, this child was destined to join our family. And now, at 36 weeks pregnant, I find myself wondering what the heck I got myself into. How on earth am I supposed to manage four children (under six years of age!) while Mr Blueberry heads back to work a (very) short 3 days after she is born? I am starting to realize how much I took him having the summers off after our other three were born for granted. No wonder I found those transitions easy! I didn't have to worry about my older kids and could just lo...

Assuming all goes to plan, this will be my third home birth. Lately, I've been retreating into myself more and more as I begin the journey to prepare myself for birthing this baby. With A , I had no idea what to expect after a tough hospital birth and just went with the flow. With L, I wore some serious rose coloured glasses, believing that because I had experienced home birth before that I would be able to achieve a quiet and empowering birth. Ha! That wasn't even remotely close to actual events. This time? This time I'm being more realistic. This time my glasses are clear. I have given birth 3 times before. Each time, I yell. I scream. I swear like a trucker. I constantly say that I can't do it. No matter what my intentions are going in. No matter how much my midwife, doulas, and husband tell me otherwise. I am most certainly not the picture of calm and serenity that some women are in birth (seriously, how do they do it?!). I do not breathe my babies into the wo...

This too shall pass. Enjoy every moment. Time flies. Bullshit. Yes, that's right. I call bullshit. Okay, okay. I am guilty of saying the first thing. Often. And it is usually my go to advice for pretty much anything. And really, it is true and I do regularly find myself muttering it throughout the day. But can we just be real for a moment? In the thick of the foggy years that consist of small children, often I just don't freaking want to hear that. I know it's true. I know. But sometimes, when the day has gone downhill at 160 km/hr from the moment I opened my eyes and all I want to do is to swim in a pool filled with wine, "this too shall pass" sounds like bullshit. I just don't want to hear it. Instead, I wanna hear "let me pour you another" or "dude, me too" or "kids can be such jerks." And don't get me started on enjoying every moment. I don't want to enjoy every moment. There are moments I woul...

I have 3 boys. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. They regularly melt my heart the only way a son can, and frustrate me in all of the other ways any child can. I love them with all of my heart and soul. We never once "tried for a girl." But, if you think for a second that I did not feel an ounce of disappointment at any of our ultrasounds, you'd be sorely mistaken.  From the time I was very young, I dreamed of having a girl. I picked out names that I loved and imagined all of the fun things we would do. I pictured helping get her into her wedding dress and holding her babies. When I was 16, I wrote a letter and sealed it to my future daughter at her 16th birthday. That was 16 years ago this upcoming April. I want to know what I wrote so badly, but I keep it hidden away for the future. And then I married a man who comes from a family of mostly boys.  When I had my first son, I fell in love. He took my heart that I willingly gave him. He was a sur...

I have a 31 year old and 11 weeks postpartum body. I have a body that carried a third baby for 9 months. I have a body that grew and birthed its second 10 pound plus baby. I have a body that is still healing from the effects of pregnancy. When I look in the mirror, I see exactly that--a postpartum body that just one year ago was much stronger and less squishy than it is now. Some days, I'm okay with that. Some days I can look in the mirror and say, "Wow! Look at what you have done!" When E asks why my belly is still big, I can smile and not be offended on these days. On these days, I can see the beauty in the changes. And then some days I need a reminder to be gentle with myself as I push at my still round tummy and that overwhelming feeling of "ickiness" starts to come over me. It's hard to see some of the changes that came with this last pregnancy--the angry looking red stretch marks that grew longer and darker, the abs that separated more, the weakness t...

Tonight I sat in my boys' room as the 4 year old was dreaming away, and the 2 year old was trying to go to sleep and relished the sound of the deep breathing of two of my greatest joys. As I sat there, the unborn child stretched out reminding me of his existence too (you know, just in case I had forgotten) and I was brought back to my birth experiences with both boys. I recounted how my water broke with E and how we went to the hospital so early . I remembered feeling out of control and stuck, especially when they brought out the forceps. And I remembered how completely amazing it was to hold him and look in his eyes for the first time, even if he was so tightly swaddled all I could see was his face! I then thought back to my experience with A and how completely different it was . I remembered feeling in control as I listened to my body tell me what it needed. I remembered feeling scared and worried too that I wouldn't be able to push him out. I remembered having to fight that ...

The third trimester is hard, especially in this third pregnancy. I can't physically do a lot of things that I was able to do even just a month ago. Simple things feel like a chore. Putting on my kids' shoes is almost impossible. Picking toys up off the floor feels like a hardcore workout. I have to sit in a chair at the counter to do dishes or prepare meals. Going up the stairs leaves me feeling breathless and needing a break. I can't even do my hair without getting tired! I feel useless when mrblueberry comes home and starts in on the cleaning and playing that I used to be able to do every day. I feel huge. Oh, who am I kidding? I am huge. And I am only going to get bigger. I'm constantly being told that I must be due any day now, when in reality I am not due for about 6 weeks. My body hurts in places that it did not hurt in during my previous pregnancies. I don't know if that's related to my prolapse or just because it's my third pregnancy. My heartbur...

As I sit here this afternoon, I hear the sounds of two little boys becoming best friends. A has finally reached an age where he is starting to actually play with E. Almost every day since Christmas, I have watched them play with their new train set together. They build the tracks throughout the house, sometimes with a little fighting, but not usually. I hear E's little 3 year old voice occasionally say, "Do you need my help?" or "Please don't break it Araric." It's amazing seeing them play together, even if some days they fight more than they play. When I first found out I was pregnant, I got scared that this new baby will change their relationship in a way that is just unavoidable. I was mostly scared that this new baby would ruin that bond that they are forming. And then, I look at my friends with three or more children and I realize that I'm right. Their relationship will change, but it will change in ways that are amazing. Instead of only having ...

Found here. This past Saturday marked the 18 week point in this third pregnancy. It's hard to believe that 18 weeks have already passed. It feels like yesterday that I was looking at that plus sign, and yet, here we are 4 days before the "big ultrasound."  Someone asked me the other day if I was excited and I didn't know how to answer. Truthfully, I'm not sure how I feel. So far, I've been plagued with a lot of anxiety this pregnancy. I was anxious my last pregnancies too, but not like this time. I just can't get it out of my mind that something could be wrong with this pregnancy and baby. I have had no indications to show that, but it still constantly runs through my head. I find myself comparing this pregnancy to my last and worrying. With A, I felt full on kicks at 14 weeks. But I haven't felt much movement yet besides little butterfly feelings that could very well have been something else. I worry that something is wrong, even though I know it ...

I am now 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I am exhausted, sore and generally moody. The smallest things set me off into an angry, pregnancy rage. Thankfully, mrblueberry is understanding and has been taking it all in stride. It is so hard at this point to be positive. I am trying. I keep repeating those affirmations in my mind. Nobody is pregnant forever. My body and my baby's body know what they are doing. He will come when he is ready. But it is still so difficult. I am starting to worry about risking out of my home birth and having to go to the hospital, and honestly, that scares me. I don't want to have this baby at the hospital. Nothing against hospital births, but I am really looking forward to labouring and birthing this baby in my own, safe space at home. To keep my mind off of things, I have been trying to keep busy. E and I go out every day, even if it is just for some window shopping or for a walk with our dog. I can't just stay at home and stare at the bi...

My guess date is tomorrow. I hit the "40 week" mark tomorrow. I truthfully did not think I would hit it. As much as I know that pregnancy can go safely to 42 weeks (and beyond in many cases), I had my mind made up that this baby would arrive early just like E. Obviously, that was clearly not the case. This little boy must want to pave his own path and not follow his brother's. At this point, I know that it could really happen at any time. Knowing that almost makes things harder. Every little thing makes me wonder if something will be happening soon. Each night I go to bed and wonder if I will awake and know that it is time. I am trying to enjoy what time we have left as a family of three. I know that life is about to become very hectic. I am taking the time to snuggle E when he will let me and to relax and nap when I can. Very soon, I will have a newborn again. It's hard to believe that at one point E was that little. I look at him in his full toddler glory, and wond...

Patience. It was definitely not handed out to me in abundance when God was handing out virtues. I have gained a lot of patience since becoming a teacher and mother, but not enough. I have zero patience when it comes to waiting for things. I hate waiting. I can't even wait to give gifts at birthdays! Waiting for this little boy to be born is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I have written about waiting before when my sister was pregnant (when she was also 39 weeks pregnant, interestingly enough).  Taken by Snow Pea Portraits I am the most pregnant I have ever been. I went into labour with E at 38 weeks and 4 days. He was born the following morning, ten days early. I am now 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant with this current little boy. When I think that I could potentially have almost three more weeks of this, I want to throw up a little. Okay, a lot. My body can't handle much longer. Heck, my patience can't handle much longer! I have to continually rem...