meditations of a blueberry

I have two amazing and beautiful little boys. I have a husband who is supportive and loves me for who I am. I have family who loves me even though they know my worst traits. I have friends who stick by me and hold me up when I need it, even when I don't deserve it. By all measures, I should be the happiest girl in the world. But I'm not. And I don't know why. Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I am so utterly happy. Moments that the fog lifts and my world feels perfect. But they don't last. Soon enough, the fog returns, clouds darken my skies, and the moment ends. I find myself saying and doing things without thinking more often. My patience has grown so thin that the slightest transgression from my toddler has me losing it. I snap at my husband and friends for no reason. I feel so alone. And I hate it. If I'm being honest, I have been feeling this way for months. I've tried to bring it up with friends, but didn't want to face what they might...

Since my journey to the half marathon ended and injuring my kne e, I've been going to hot yoga. I love the silence and the time to just be. It has been a fantastic way to refresh my spirit and focus on "me" without any distractions. I have more energy, and I feel more at peace with myself every day. My patience has increased, my heart feels open, and my mind is slowly learning how to "slow down." Simply put, I love it. Today's class was a bit hard and had me feeling dizzy a couple of times between postures. At the end, while we were laying in savasana the instructor read us the below quote: As he spoke it, I felt he was speaking directly to me. Even though I was surrounded by 25 other people, it felt like his words were meant for my heart alone. The last month has been an emotion filled roller coaster. The ups and downs have been fast and furious with the fundraising, half marathon, reaching my weight loss goal, and hurting my knee. There h...

What do you do when you have something you really want to share with people, but can't share it for one reason or another? I have been doing a lot of thinking since the pregnancy announcements of last week, and if I were to get pregnant, I don't think I would be able to share the news right away. Sure, I would want to. I know I would want to! But with the experience of the miscarriage, I don't think I would be able to. I still remember the raw emotion as we had to tell person after person how we lost the baby. For that reason, we waited to share the news with E with family until 12 weeks, and with the world until 14 weeks after we heard the heartbeat for the first time. But I don't know if I will be able to wait that long whenever God chooses to bless us again. What would I say to everyone who continues to ask me how "trying" is going? (Which, off topic, is one of the weirdest questions you can ask someone. I mean, really, you are asking how my sex life is! A...

For the last six months, we have been trying to conceive baby #2, and I am still breastfeeding E. Luckily (or unluckily depending how you look at it), my period returned at four months post-partum with E and has been regular-to-the-day ever since. I figured this would make things easy and we would conceive quickly. I was wrong. Every month I find myself waiting and listening to my body and hearing things that aren't there. Every little twinge or nauseous feeling makes me think, "oh, this is the month!" And every month, I am disappointed. We have had more sex in the past six months than we have had in the past 2 years! You would think this would be a good thing, but the problem with trying-to-conceive sex is the pressure. There's no, "I'm tired, let's just do it tomorrow" when you are trying to make sure you catch that magical ovulation day. In the grand scheme of things, I realize six months is not that long. It took us 8 months the first time to get...