meditations of a blueberry

I've moved on. From the baby stage. From the nonstop diaper changing and being the sole source of nourishment. From the endless nights of clusterfeeding. From the pregnancy heartburn. From the feeling of a baby digging its foot into my ribs. From torpedo bellies. From not being able to see my toes. From not being allowed to sleep on my stomach. From strangers' inappropriate questions. From nonstop leaky breasts. I've moved on. And yet, I linger. In the sweet baby squish that still remains. In the smell that I can still faintly smell amongst her baby fine hair. In her still pudgy little fingers and toes. In the way she still snuggles into me, like I am the only one there. In the eyelashes that rest against her cheeks as she sleeps. In the memory of how it felt to carry life within. In the urgency of her latch when she's tired and is looking for more than just nourishment for her belly. In the lines and marks that pregnancy graced me with as a reminder to the miracle ...

As I lay in my bed tonight, the soft breathing of a baby on the cusp of toddlerhood surrounds me. She's insisting on snuggles on my chest. Her sweet, chubby, little hand is gripping tightly to my necklace as her body stretches out along my own. The little curl by her ear is visible in the glow of my screen and the tips of her eyelashes flutter close to the top of her cheeks. One year ago, I was simultaneously cherishing the last moments of pregnancy and wishing she would make her appearance soon. And now, I find myself wondering what time has done with my baby. It wasn't very long ago that I roared a squishy, 11 lb 6 oz baby girl into this world in my kitchen. Surrounded by love, strength, and support, I surrendered and learned how powerful I truly was. I learned what the true power of WOMAN was.  Surrounded by other strong women, I dug deep inside myself and found a power that I didn't believe I had. Bringing a baby into the world, no matter how one does it, is always...

As I sit here in the morning sun, I'm overtaken by how quickly life truly moves. It feels like it was just yesterday that we celebrated seeing seeing E on the ultrasound screen, and yet that was 7 years ago this week. 7 years later and I'm sitting holding my fourth baby, and first daughter, tightly as she naps in my arms. This morning, we walked my first child to the bus for grade 1, and he will walk home from the bus alone this afternoon. That same child stayed up late last night to finish reading the Harry Potter book we had been reading together, and he cried at the ending. Last week I registered my second child for kindergarten. That second child and my third child are currently building Lego together, getting along for the time being. And I sit in the morning light, rocking a sweet sleeping baby girl, listening to those 2 middle boys talking and laughing, in amazement at what my body has created and nourished. Miss A turns 1 in 5 weeks. It's hard to believe that last...

Taken from www.myorganizedlifestyle.com/2011/01/are-you-under-water.html I need to make a doctor's appointment for E. And I am putting it off. Back in June, E got his finger caught in the screen door. It cut his finger, and now his nail is not growing properly and I can't seem to get rid of the infection. I showed it to the doctor at his two year check-up, but she said to continue doing what I was doing and if it didn't get better to bring him back. Well, that was almost two months ago now. But I hate making doctor's appointments, so I haven't done it. Why haven't I done it? Because it can only go one of two ways: I surprisingly find the cordless phone on the charger, and it is charged. E tries to take the phone from me. I call the office. E is pushing buttons as I am trying to keep the phone from him. Receptionist answers, and puts me on hold while I try to dodge and distract E from the phone. I wait. E is thankfully distracted by his toys, but A decide...

Two is a hard age. I am told three is worse, but we aren't there yet so I am just going to pretend they are lying to me for now. Because I can't imagine it being any worse. E has just entered the "mine" and "no" phases, so add those phases to the regular pushing, hitting, yelling, etc phases that he is already in and you get the picture as to how my days often go. Don't get me wrong, there are some fantastic things about two. It can be so much fun at times! But, right now, the hard parts seem to outweigh the fun parts. Maybe it's because I forgot to take my placenta pills this morning, or maybe it's because E is having a hard day, but things just seem so....not fun today. E is your typical boy. He is full of energy, a little rough and he doesn't realize that not everyone wants to play that way. I know, I know. Some people have told me that boys learn rough behaviour. I think those people have never had a son. Because I guarantee you th...

Photo by Snow Pea Portraits Living with a toddler is what I imagine living with someone with bipolar disease is like. There are such high highs, and such low lows. And all can happen within seconds. One second I am pulling out my hair because E is doing one of the numerous frustrating things that toddlers do and the next I am smiling tears because he has come up and given my belly a hug and kiss. This new stage has been difficult to deal with for sure. The toddler tantrums, the throwing of things, the hitting, the biting...I know it's all part of E learning and testing his boundaries, but some days I wonder what I got myself into. And yes. It is completely frustrating. I have found myself reaching deep into my toolbox of things I used in my classroom and finding that some days, nothing works. It sure doesn't help that E is not really talking yet. Truthfully, I think that a lot of his "bad behaviour" is due to his inability to communicate effectively verbally yet. ...

Normally, I hate Fridays. Fridays are always such a long day in the blueberry household. Mrblueberry works at his retail job Friday nights, so it is all me, all day. Having to be "on" all day for a toddler sure makes for one tired pregnant momma. Yesterday was no exception. The third trimester seems to have kicked in early and I feel like I hit a brick wall most of the day now. It doesn't help that E has discovered a new love of making the biggest messes everywhere I turn. By the time mrblueberry came home between school and work, I was almost passed out on the couch as E brought me a new book to read every few minutes. Thankfully, I was able to get a short 20 minute nap before mrblueberry had to leave for work. It didn't really help much though and I struggled to get through to the time when I could acceptably put E down for bed. When it was finally time and I started to run his bath, E turned on his charm. He started laughing and being silly and calling "daddy....

I sit here in my living room tonight, listening to mrblueberry get E ready for bed as baby #2 shows off his ninja skills in my belly, and I am happy. I truly am. I can't imagine my life any other way. Even through the toddler tantrums, and the lost sleep, and the one income lifestyle, I am happy. But sometimes, I find myself yearning for the other side of the fence. I look at friends' status updates on Facebook, and I wonder what I would be doing if I didn't get married, or if we had chosen to wait longer to have children. What would I be doing? Where would I be? Who would I be? Would I be happy? I think I know some of the answers to those questions, but not all. I know I would probably be teaching, likely still here in Edmonton. But I don't think I would be as happy. I think I would feel like something was missing. That there was something I still needed to do. Still, that doesn't stop the wondering. Sometimes, I really wish I had time to do something else with my ...

Nothing prepared me for what breastfeeding a toddler would entail. Nothing. Not a book, a website, or any advice from well meaning friends prepared me what it would be like to nurse a toddler. It has been 16 months of breastfeeding for E and I. At the start, it was hard because we were learning "how" to do it. Breastfeeding is a skill, and regardless of what anyone says about it being a "natural process", it doesn't come naturally for everyone. We struggled through the first months with me saying several times that I just wanted to make it to 6 weeks, then to 8 weeks, then to 12 weeks, until finally I realized I had stopped counting. Luckily, we didn't have any major latch issues, but we dealt with thrush (OUCH), overactive letdown and overproduction. Gentian violet took care of the thrush while painting E's face (and my nipples) bright purple. Block-feeding took care of the overactive letdown. I pumped, and pumped, and pumped to save all that precious e...