meditations of a blueberry

I love spending time with my mama friends. I love drinking coffee and laughing and watching our kids play together for hours on end. I love going out without the kids and laughing and just being silly together. I love going to the farmer’s market and festivals and swimming with my family. I love running around and dancing crazily with my boys. But I have a confession to make. Being around people drains me of energy. After doing any of these things, I often feel like I used to feel in university after a night of drinking. Tired. Exhausted. Drained. There is a simple reason for those feelings. One that I only truly discovered after having children. I am an introvert. Being around people use my energy and I need to spend time alone to recharge. Large, busy spaces overwhelm me. I easily get overwhelmed by noises and bright colours. I have to work hard to focus on the task at hand when I am immersed in a busy place. When I get overwhelmed, it’s easy to get frustrated and lose my temp...

I am introvert , but it is only recently that I have come to realize that. I have always known that I prefer the company of small groups to large, and that I need to make sure to take alone time to recharge, but I haven't always realized that it meant I am an introvert. All my life, people would call me "shy" or "quiet" until you got to know me. I even have had a few people think I was standoffish or a bitch because I'm not immediately approachable in most circumstances. Those comments hurt a lot when mrblueberry told me about them the first time. I don't mean to be standoffish or to seem like a snob. But, I need that time to adjust and feel comfortable in situations. I prefer to sit back and observe in all new situations or in situations with people I don't know well. I prefer to be one of the first to arrive so that I can gradually adjust. If necessary (like with teaching or momstown), I can push it away and be more "extroverted" for a t...

In the dark world of postpartum depression , there are good days, bad days, and mediocre days. On a good day, I feel fantastic. I feel like all of the darkness is a figment of my cruel imagination. I smile. I laugh. I feel peace. But on the bad days, I search for the light only to be met with dark. I'm alone in a never ending train tunnel, a deep chasm in the middle of night, a bottomless well with no visible way to get out no matter what I do. On the bad days, the rage boils under the surface and I feel like there is not a soul out there who understands. Most days, though, are mediocre. Most days have moments of light interspersed with dark. Most days I try to push through the dark and hold on to those moments of light. But, it can be so hard. There has been a lot of dark recently. These past few months have not been kind to me. From my injured knee to my uterine prolapse to postpartum depression to a constantly breaking down vehicle, I have felt like the world is out t...

Everything looks better in the morning. Yesterday was a very busy day preceded by a very hard night for both kids. I woke up feeling like the world was against me and that I needed to fight and claw my way through the day. I managed to shake that feeling for most of the day, but miscommunication kept arising in my life resulting in incredible frustration. Training last night consisted of running Emily Murphy Hill ten times, and I took out my frustrations on the hill, running 10 km of hills in almost the time it took me to run 10 km on flat! Finally, my day ended with a heartfelt phone call and conversation that left me feeling guilty for being who I am. A little sleep and a shower later, and I feel better. The fog has lifted off of my mind and I can once again see. Amazing what sleep does for us, isn't it? No wonder so many moms and dads have a tendency to be short with their kids (I know I do when sleep is evading me). Ever wish that you were not a certain way ? I don't m...