meditations of a blueberry

Assuming all goes to plan, this will be my third home birth. Lately, I've been retreating into myself more and more as I begin the journey to prepare myself for birthing this baby. With A , I had no idea what to expect after a tough hospital birth and just went with the flow. With L, I wore some serious rose coloured glasses, believing that because I had experienced home birth before that I would be able to achieve a quiet and empowering birth. Ha! That wasn't even remotely close to actual events. This time? This time I'm being more realistic. This time my glasses are clear. I have given birth 3 times before. Each time, I yell. I scream. I swear like a trucker. I constantly say that I can't do it. No matter what my intentions are going in. No matter how much my midwife, doulas, and husband tell me otherwise. I am most certainly not the picture of calm and serenity that some women are in birth (seriously, how do they do it?!). I do not breathe my babies into the wo...

Tomorrow, I will be 38 weeks pregnant. I am excited, sore, tired (no, exhausted), and starting to get very irritable. I am trying hard to not let the irritation overtake me, but I definitely have felt it creep in more than I would like. I keep being told to stay active, yet to rest. I don't really know what these people think when they say that. I am tired of people being surprised when I tell them I'm due, or saying that I must be uncomfortable, or telling me I am huge and that it must be twins, etc, etc, etc. Last pregnancy, I felt incredible irritation at those comments. This time though I am finding myself more able to just smile and nod at them. Perhaps it's because I realize that these people mean well, or perhaps it's because I just don't care anymore what they say. I hope it's an indication that I am doing better at handling my emotions and that that means I won't have to fight with PPD this time.  I look around and see all of the signs of kids...